[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Always a metermaid never a meter
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.