My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
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Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.