Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
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Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*