prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?