Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
As the Lord intended
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Strange
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
c’mon!
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.