[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
welcome back
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy