[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Somebody’s lying.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”