[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Godspeed, John Glenn
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
The Compass
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster