[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
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Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.