Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
smh
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.