[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks