Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.