Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?