Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
*puts cutlery down*
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.