My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You Might Also Like
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead