Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
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The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*