Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
You Might Also Like
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
is it earth
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it