Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
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Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
The internet is full of many things
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
me when the borders lift
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: