“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)