corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.