@TheAlexNevil: Pro Tip: don't fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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@FlyoverJoel: Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
@bridger_w: I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts
@MelKassel: The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I'm like "What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me"?
@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it