Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you