@_Tempo11: Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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@mikeleffingwell: I always say "I was wondering when you'd find me" when I get in my car. That way if someone's ever in the backseat I'll look cool as shit.
@ambamthankyamam: My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English".
@kimmie_1980: Level of singleness: yelling, "pizza's here!" So the delivery man doesn't think all the pizza is just for me...
@dazedandsincere: My mom just told me she's been watching that "Game of Thongs" show. Gawd I hope she's just saying it wrong.