@_Tempo11: Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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@primawesome: Did you know there's a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That's not true. I'm sorry.
@SocialExtortion: Millions of innocent coconuts are murdered each year so you can drink their nutritious blood you insensitive health freak
@abbycohenwl: Guy: If u won lotto, what'd u get? Me: A cat sitter G: To take extra good care of Sox? M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
@ShoutingGoddess: When idiots talk to me, I just imagine they're saying, 'I'm an idiot,' over and over. Makes it easier to nod in agreement and not get cross.