Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I didn’t come here to be called names
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.