Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Liquor Store Parking
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one