Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
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Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen