Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
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A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”