A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
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I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me