@novicefather: Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."
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@KateWhineHall: Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
@iwearaonesie: mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow? me: Pumpkin pie mom: Anything else? me: Turkey mom me: Stuffing mom me: Plates
@internetluke: Boy, I hate small talk. *coworkers all grimace* He's right behind me isn't he? *Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*