“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Word!
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Woke up against my better judgment again
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.