@novicefather: Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not "like Dan Aykroyd."
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@2tickytacky: OMG. My wife's boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
@DistractedMomma: My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
@weinerdog4life: There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
@Vodkantots: So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? Flattery is hard.