[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
he chose this
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
ouch
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.