Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front