Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*