This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
This is my pinned tweet
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.