Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
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Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My biological clock is wheezing.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.