@callie_cakes: PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
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@LeviathanPride: Overheard this locker room convo: "The new school janitor is weird. He's always hiding in here when we're showering". I took my mop and left
@internetluke: [Jaden Smith at aquarium] "...any questions?" Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly? "No" What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water? "Huh" How Can Birds Be R
@moooooog35: Me: Wanna have a quickie? Wife: Sure! Me: OMG really? Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
@: Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal