at ease…shoulder.
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
My favorite female superhero
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*