i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
who will stop them
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard