Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.