[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse