@GreenScoundrel: Pro Tip: I'm not a pro. Don't listen to my tips.
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@4Crocs: If there is not a open bar and a goddamn delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
@Ygrene: [On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks] "Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat"
@lifeattiffanys: Teaching my kid math like: If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
@LaetPO: Marriage is so disrespected as an institution nowadays that soon brides may be tossing the groom and keeping the bouquet.