Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
You Might Also Like
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.