@vikkaroni: Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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@panmidwest: Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex's name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
@PMTheron1: There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
@MinedOvaMatter: If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don't have one. Carry on floating head selfie chick.
@brennadine: Pavlov's bell, but it's me reading an email that I think says winebar when it's actually webinar.