@vikkaroni: Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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@TheBoydP: *16 calls me at office* 16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight? Me: No 16: You're out of beer Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
@wittwitbarista: *text message* Cat: Slave, I'm missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it. Me: but I'm at work. Cat: find it.
@AbbyHasIssues: *Showing me a picture of your baby* Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What's your dog's name?