@vikkaroni: Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They'll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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@iamspacegirl: CAMPING Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out. Him: Babe don't be silly. [later] Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?
@Ristolable: My friend and I were talking about food and he said "I'm not a big Chinese guy" and I was like "I know you're not"
@sarcasm_inc: [a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
@trojansauce: ME: hey baby HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: HOT GIRL: ME: *looks closer* HOT GRILL: ME: oh