God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
You Might Also Like
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The Sun
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.