Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.