Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
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I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas