Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
my mom making me talk to relatives
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it