@tararose711: Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@BlairLoudly: One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I'd love to hold your baby
@jinkee: if you're hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
@krisv_723: *Gets called into HR Me: What was I accused of now? HR: I haven't had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?