@tararose711: Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you're going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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@weismanjake: One of the toughest parts of adulthood is figuring out how to stay friends with people who post too many selfies
@ruinedpicnic: "Sorry but It's me or the label maker." [takes GIRLFRIEND label off her shirt] "Thank y-" [sticks on a label that says EX-GIRLFRIEND]