Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”