Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
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1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.