Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago