Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla