Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
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It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Oh, I bet you would be
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
incredible
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?