Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Two types of dogs.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower