Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
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I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Just so funny
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I’ll be mad as hell!
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..